Last three days I spent in silence withdrawn inside to meet myself with everything that would came.
As a part of these days I decided to undergo an session with some supporting substances. A good friend of mine who I trust completely, guided this session to hold space, protect the boundaries and took care for containment.
During the days before I took some online sessions with my old therapist I have worked a lot with in the past. During these sessions I managed to untangle the fusion between love and the concepts of responsibility, dependency, giving care, self rejection, pleasing and existing by the will of the other. The lightness that it gave was a perfect ground for the session last Friday.
It was an revealing experience. While the substance started to work, tears started to flow and released the inner blockages that were hidden deep in my system. Thinking that this was it, it was just the beginning. From deep down life force started to release, and flowing through the whole body. It was not the first time I’ve experienced this enormous amount of energy, but normally it automatically was blocked by what I call the system of self-judgement.
But now, with a huge amount of softness in my system, the energy could flow freely.
Managing to regulate and contain the energy I was able to experiment with it. While the life force energy was flowing through the body I was able to become aware of the wounded little child in me (which in fact is a set of unconsciously conditioned intentions) wanted to do something with it. It tried to act out to fill its needs in trying to merge, to fuse, to seduce, to manipulate, all to get its needs met.
But by not following these tendencies, it subsided. The life force expanded far beyond the body. It almost went through the roof. And then when it stabilized, pure love came up. Since long time I was able to sent this pure love inside and the wounded little child changed into the beloved child.
This universal love I experienced is so pure, so light, so serene that it rinsed all concepts away.
Although it just was an experience with a beginning and an end, it gave me some profound insights. It de-armoured the inner conflicts I have experienced last months. The clinging, the fear of losing, the fear of being rejected solved. Compassion and wishing to be freed of suffering stayed, with a soft and open heart.